Pieces Of My Memoir – Part 2

Christmas & New Year’s had come and gone, and I became a lonely woman with a lost soul. John worked all day, but even when he was around in the evenings, he didn’t have much to say. My father would drop JJ off once John got home from work. My family no longer trusted me with my son, because of my active addiction. They were only looking out for his well-being. In retrospect, I can’t say I blame them one bit. Rich began to call on a regular basis and as much of an asshole he was, I needed someone to talk to. He listened to me and treated me like a friend. He would always tell me that l had self-worth and try to build me up. He finally had his own vehicle and a place to live. By no means, was I interested in finding another partner, I had no intentions on leaving John, he was still my soulmate and I wanted to make things right with him once and for all, but it wasn’t looking good. I spoke to Rich once a day, normally in the early afternoon while John was at work, which was probably for the best. He invited me to go stay up in Erie for a few days to clear my head and get away from it all and he’d drive me back whenever I felt better. I was severely depressed, but leaving wasn’t the best idea, only because I wouldn’t see JJ in the evenings and put him to bed at night like I always did. It was the only time I got to bond with him and John had no problem with it when he was around to supervise our visits. Rich began to talk me into leaving and I just kept telling him I couldn’t because I still had priorities to take care of. He told me to make arrangements to have JJ cared for and he would bring me back. Again, I clarified to him that it would be virtually impossible for me to just up & leave. He continued to play his game and make me believe that he was my friend, and he’d never give up on me like everyone else had.

On February 13th, 2013 at 9;30 p.m., John and I had heated argument when he found out I was communicating with Rich. It took him over the edge completely. JJ was at my parents house spending the night, because he enjoyed going to visit his pappy and nana. It was a good thing he wasn’t around, because things got ugly. I felt like I was being shanked multiple times in the heart by my husband. Although, John never abused me in any way, not physically or mentally, but the things he said that night really fucked me up and sucked the life right out of me. By this time, I was a hot mess. I was suicidal and was ready to opt out of this world for good. That’s when my vulnerability got the best of me and I decided to take Rich up on his invitation and get out of town for a few days. I went upstairs to pack a suitcase and called Rich. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and dialed his number. After two rings, he answered.

“Hi honey, what’s up with you?” He said.

Crying hysterically, “I just can’t do this anymore, Rich. Please-please-please come get me!’ I said, in my sobbing voice while setting the big, blue suitcase on the bed.

“Honey, what’s going on? Talk to me, PLEASE!! He said, overly concerned about what just happened.

“Me and John had a big fight, I just want to get out of here.” I said, as I was pulling clothes from dresser and closet. I said. “I need to get a shower and I’ll be ready. I felt unwanted, as if I was no longer worthy to my husband.

“Okay I’m going to start my truck, give me an address so I can put it in my GPS, then I’ll give you an ETA. I’m gonna start my truck and warm it up for a few minutes than leave. Finish what you’re doing and I’ll see you in a few hours.

“Okay, I’m getting a shower and I’ll talk to you shortly.” I said. starting to calm down a little. I finished packing my bag, jumped in the shower, got dressed, and took my suitcase downstairs and put it in the foyer next to the front door. I got a message from him saying he would be here by 12:30 a.m.. It was getting late. Finally, John came upstairs from the basement and walked through the living room to go upstairs to bed. Suddenly, he stopped when he recognized the blue suitcase sitting by the door, then turned his head to look at me. We made straight eye contact for a brief moment, I think he was appalled by me leaving, he didn’t say one word, but his facial expression said it all. He turned away and walked upstairs. I sat in the living room, playing games on my phone until Rich arrived to pick me up. Finally, I received a text from Rich at 12:40 a.m. saying he just pulled up to my house. I quickly got up, tossed my phone in my purse and walked over to the front door to open it up. There he was in a green GMC Envoy, it was rather nice and I thought that maybe he got his shit together now that he has his own apartment and a vehicle. I walked outside with my suit case and down the steps towards the truck and Rich jumped out of the drivers seat and approached me with a big hug. “Heyyyy honey! You look great! He said while he was hugging me.

“Yeah, well I don’t feel so great, Rich!” I said, as we walked towards the back of the SUV and opened the hatch to put my suitcase in. As we closed the hatch and went to get into the SUV, I looked up to the second floor window and seen John staring out at me. Our eyesmet from a distance and a big part of me wanted to run back in to him. I began to tear up again and opened the passenger door and got in. Rich never seen him because he was already in the driver’s seat and buckled up.

“You okay, honey?” He asked, rubbing my left shoulderThere was a brief moment of silence, then I answered him, “yeah..I’m just fine, let’s get out of here.” Trying not to make it obvious that I was saddened by what I’d just seen before I got in the truck. We pulled away and drove 130 miles to Erie County, PA. that night. This would be one more bad choice that would effect my life for years to come.

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